"...My hands smell like your tea..."

You ever have those times where something happens....you say something to someone and realize not only have you leaped before looking, you did so with both feet and your eyes shut?

I don't know if people ever have this, but I will try to explain a part of myself.

I act a lot. I mean this quite literally. I volunteer with a medieval festival, and I help out with the promotional events we do as a part of it, and I go LARPing once a month as well. So I dress up, and take on the persona and mindset of someone else for a time regularly. I know how to cover what I am thinking fairly well as a result and can hide my emotions and thoughts fairly well. It can be very easy to use skills like that in the rest of your life when they are practiced so regularly. It is much the same for people who know their job well, as someone who has done construction for a long time I have a hard time walking into a room or a building without looking at it to see how it was made or repaired or what needs to be repaired. This is fairly common, from what I understand. Anyway, back to my main thought. It can be easy to pretend to be someone or something I'm not, or to make people think I feel differently that how I really do. I hate doing that, I feel horrible lying to people like that, mostly because I hate it when people lie to me. So I try my very best to be honest about things.

It is surprising, that despite how much people ask for honesty and truth, they do not like what they hear. Sometimes they get angry, but what I discovered recently is that they feel fear. I care a great deal about people, especially those close to me. I work hard to be worthy of their love and friendship, and I am willing to sacrifice almost anything for them. My brothers are a good example of this. Yes, we do fight and argue and there are times when we hate each other. Sometimes our friends will pick on one of us, and we will step back and watch it happen, and people often feel that we don't care a lot about each other. I don't always know about them, but I love my brothers. I don't mind a bit of humour so poking fun is fine in my eyes, but if I see something or feel that my brothers are being threatened or hurt in some way, I keep my eyes open to catch it and step in. I hope my brothers realize that if someone comes after them, I will always back them up and support them and protect them if they ask for it or need it.

As the oldest brother, protection and responsibility come easily, and I extend it to my family and many friends as well. I am willing to do anything for them, even fighting. I enjoy friendly competition and working against someone in order to improve myself, but I do not enjoy fights. They are messy and hurtful and more harm than good comes of them. I find a difference between a fight and an argument, but I can explore that thought another time. If, for some reason, I am forced to fight to protect somebody I care about and love, I have found that some of my morals and personal code can limit me and prevent me from protecting to the best of my ability. If and when a fight start, I aim to prevent harm to my charges first, and then stop the fight second. I have spent some time learning martial arts like judo in order to protect myself and others, but I realize I am not the best at it, and that it can be difficult and time consuming to properly stop someone. Much as I try to improve, circumstances are rarely in your favour when it comes to a fight, and so I have been faced with a problem. While judo and my training focus on blocks followed by throws, armbars and chokeholds...these responses and ways of stopping a fight take time, and if I am facing more than one person, time is something I don't have a lot of. Even if there is only one person, I doubt I will have the time to get my footwork to where I need it to make my training work, and so I have been forced to learn other ways to protect, namely hitting.

Hitting is a very basic, simple movement which allows it to be a faster response than the grappling I am trained in. Most self-defense classes will teach you to aim quick and strong strikes to the groin, face and solar plexus in order to buy yourself time to run or make your next move as these areas tend to be the most sensitive for people. So, this allows me to be a bit better at defending people. Now you remember how I said that this desire to protect those I love no matter what occasionally puts me in a moral quandary? It is because of women. Guys fighting guys is so old that nobody bats an eye about it when it happens, but what do you do when a woman is attacking you? As someone who was raised in a home where respect and care was foremost, hitting anyone was frowned upon, and by nature of society, hitting a woman is considered so horrible that it seems they could take your money, ruin your life, and then physically and emotionally and mentally abuse you for years, and yet when you decide to stand up and protect yourself, be careful! If you happen to hit her, no-one will support you. This has caused me trouble a few times, and I find myself frustrated with it. Do I avoid hitting a woman, and possibly allow them to hurt those I love, or do I break that rule people believe is the defining mark of a gentleman in order to make sure my charges are safe? As I have covered, I do not hit without some reservation, but I believe that if it comes down to it, then I would hit a girl. I realize that as a guy I have an advantage in physical power by default, so that such a fight could be seen as unfair.

This is where the title of this post comes in, as this is where I hit my feelings of failure recently. I had tried explaining this to someone recently, and now they are afraid of me. I really don't blame them. Much as I want to promise that I would never hit them, how can they trust that when I just told them I have no reservations about hitting people if pushed to it? This is the problem with being trained in martial arts and how to fight, you are taught to react instinctively. Even though you are taught to control that instinct, if you happen to slip, you might hurt the very people you care about. If you think about it, this is the line of reasoning for most supervillians in films, they want to protect someone and end up hurting them while trying to do so. Warriors only know war, those who live by the sword...you know, all that stuff.

So, knowing that I want to protect people, can you understand how terrible I feel knowing that the very part I use to do that causes someone I care about to be afraid of me? Failure has got to be the most potent of feelings I experience. I feel all the more worse knowing that there is nothing I can do to alleviate the situation. I could say all the right things, explain how I would never hurt them, promise to never hit a girl again...but if they don't believe what I'm saying, what good is it?

I don't know what all I hoped to gain from writing this, really. I hoped you would read it, maybe understand what I am going through and what I am feeling, but would that help? If anything, you might think I was trying to beg my way into your life, and that is just sad. I am better than that, and you deserve better than that. I just hope, whether or not you read this, you realize that I am not that kind of person.

I had hoped to find somebody to love, but to loose that chance because they are afraid of me...of all the things that have tested my faith in hope, this may be what breaks me. Part of me hopes you don't read this, but another part does. I hate for you to see me like this, but as I said before, I work hard to be honest, and I don't want to lie, no matter how much I might gain now I would be losing it all soon after. I'm sorry I failed you so, and I hope you do not think poorly of me, no matter what you choose.

Tyler

Running Thin

I don't know if it is the sunburn or the fact I have been running around all weekend that has worn me down. Perhaps it is the effort to keep up appearances around so many friends and family. It has been, what, almost a month since I last had such a strong urge to let go and cry? More, less, I don't keep track. Either way, as it stands I am pretty well burned out. I wonder if it is a side effect of seeing one of my heroes going through a rough time. This guy has always been a model for myself and an inspiration, and he is going through a bit of a stormy sea from what I hear.

Everyone has their problems and struggles. I know many of mine are likely imagined or blown out of proportion, but that seems to be how the human mind works. We can only see through our own eyes, and so we often feel the most beat down, because we don't truly know what another is thinking or feeling.

Tired of work, life. I enjoy my work, mostly. Working with my hands I find to be very calming, but there is something missing and I can't figure out what. I have good friends, family, work and job stability, I have hobbies and past-times I enjoy and love. Yet I am still restless and I don't know why. I keep thinking of going away and travelling, but should I have to do that just to come home and realize that everything is here? What is it I am missing here, what hint have I not found that prevents me from opening my eyes and seeing what is here? Or maybe I am meant to be somewhere else, to do something I have not yet considered. Hm. I may take the advice of a friend and go see a career counselor.

The problem with having studied a bit of psychology is that now I analyze questions and quizzes that analyze myself, trying to find out what they are looking for. It seems to make them less effective, as I run in circles predicting their line of questioning and possibly changing answers based on the answers I want to see and hear.

Whatever the case is, I think I will need to do something about it soon. I am getting tired, moreso than before, and this is not the sort of exhaustion that you can regain with sleep. Soul-deep, emotional draining weariness that snowballs and sucks you dry. I have some days when I recover some ground and can stay on top, but mostly I am weakening to the point of numbness.

I really hope that something changes soon, as this is both ridiculous and saddening.

Have you ever hurt someone, to the point they leave, and then you realize how much you miss them? I had someone I was close to, could talk to them about anything and everything. Sometimes it was a little awkward and we misunderstood each other, but we could still talk about it. Over the...six or so years that I knew them, we have fought, stopped talking, and befriended each other again and again. And then one day, it stopped. I don't remember what I did or said, but I can tell you I feel empty. 

Much as I wish I could simply skip to my own beat and carry on, I am constantly reminded of how much having their friendship meant to me. I really wish I could have been more understanding of their choices. I would give everything to feel one of your hugs again, because even though it felt like you were going to break my ribs, I always felt solidly there and present and home. I know I can be a little vaporous and flighty, and I am not always the friend I should be, but out of all the people I have met over the years, this one person made it all worthwhile. 

I sent them a message and I hope they respond. I know I don't deserve it, but I will beg for forgiveness and travel to wherever you are if that is what it takes.  

I have made choices I regret before, but this trumps everything. I am sorry for everything I failed to do for you. 

Tyler

Hi, my name is...

I did a bit of an introduction with my last post, and I having thought on it some more, I'm going to be a bit more honest.

My name is Tyler, I'm the eldest son of four siblings. Born and raised by a heterosexual couple, brought up in the Christian Reformed church, and I have lived in the city about 6 years of my life, with the remainder spent in the country of Canada. I was home schooled four years, the rest has been all public school. I played a little soccer (football if you are outside of North America) when I was young, and sang in a school choir. I competed in swimming and judo for a couple years before and during high school. I did a little acting while in high school, but mostly I was part of the stage crew. Most of my work experience has been in construction, and I enjoy it a good deal. I played the viola for a while, but it has sat unused for about three years now. I didn't feel I had much natural talent for it, and so I always felt uncomfortable playing around people. I know practice might have made a difference, but I only really enjoyed it when playing with others, and being uncomfortable performing in public, I'm in quite the pickle. Ever since I got a copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit for my....10th or 12th birthday, I have enjoyed reading books, primarily fantasy novels. Brian Jacques, Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, David Eddings, R.A. Salvatore, Neil Gaiman, Jonathan Stroud, just to name a few authors whose work I enjoy.

Oh, did I mention I play Dungeons & Dragons? Yeah, my siblings, dad and I picked that up about three or four years back. I've played 4th, 3.5, Pathfinder and I am starting 5th edition. I also take part in medieval festivals, and I've been doing acting and stage fighting at those for seven years now. I also LARP, and am currently on the story team, or Plot team, for the LARP I go to. I help write the story for the characters who play the game. I guess I should mention I also play video games. I doubt it will be a surprise by now if I say that I favour fantasy games as well. Skyrim, Heroes of Might and Magic...the Assassin's Creed line was also fun to play.

I play video games, table-top games, roleplaying games, read, write and work. I do stage combat, judo, and try to plan something for the future. Everyone keeps telling me that I have time, I am still young. Well, that advantage seems to fade quickly. I'm in my early twenties, but there are some in their thirties who are slowing down and complaining. I am willing to invest my time, but I have trouble seeing their point, it doesn't feel like I have a lot of time. I mentioned I don't always feel sane, and that thought was behind the name of this blog. I often don't notice the passage of time in a significant way. If I am not checking the date every day or two, I stop noticing that a week has gone by, or that a holiday or event is approaching. My mind often feels older than I am, which is odd, since I don't feel I have experienced anything that would age me in such a way. I can tell you though, that despite all my mental oddities and quirks, I have no alternate personalities.

Welcome!

Well, it seems I have some spare time. Don't know how long it will last, so let's make use of what we have, shall we?

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tyler, and I am the eldest son in my family. I started this blog for a school course a while back, and then stopped writing for a while. Part of that was because I use this site as a sort of public diary, and too many people who knew me were reading it, so I wasn't able to get everything out that I'd like. I think enough time has gone by that I'm a bit safer in that regard, don't you? We'll see.

I use this blog, like I said, as a form of public diary. Some days I'm a little out of whack and I need to jot this stuff down, so this is where I do it. Sometimes it helps me focus, other times I just like knowing that someone might stumble across this and read it. It's nice to know that you aren't alone, and I draw some small comfort from knowing that someone has read this, and maybe they even relate somehow. I don't know what the chances of that are, though I would guess they are small. Whether they are or not, I'm still writing.

If you browse through my previous posts, you will see most of what I wrote was poems and stories at first, shifting into opinion pieces and rants and ramblings, and then just pure messy chaos. In a way, this blog is, I guess, a reflection of my mind. There are many days when I question if I am sane or not, because I generally think there is something wrong with me. Some of it is a gut feeling, however a goodly portion of it comes from observations of myself I have made. I just feel like I am...off. A differently shaped gear in a machine. I lock into place and mesh on occasion, but mostly I just feel like I'm slipping and disconnecting. Now, I've heard slipping gears grate before, and I can tell you that living that sound is no more comfortable that having it assault your ears.

I do edit some of my work, but most of what I post is as written. I prefer being honest, though there is some joy to be found in the occasional subterfuge. I will proofread for spelling errors, but other than that, what you are reading is straight from my head, through my keyboard and onto the screen. No organizing, no eliminating content. My choice to be honest is one reason for this, the other being that I find writing that way helps you eventually organize your mind, which is I considered doing these posts again. They say that reading books - and by books I mean paper and ink, not eBooks - helps focus your mind into linear thought processes, which leads to more organized, rational and logical thinking. I read fairly often, but if I get distracted, the benefit comes much more slowly. So I use writing to drive that desired focus home. Hopefully I will also get a balanced sense of workload from doing this too.

For the next while, I'm probably going to post a bunch of stuff. Brief thoughts, bits about me, and other things that are bouncing around in my head. What I hope to do is then level out and post things regularly, if a bit sparsely. The goal is to not publish a pile of posts and then drop it all again. That sorta irks me. If you find something you like, feel free to read it, I put it up there for you to see. If you have questions, or want to talk or say something, comment and let me know. I'm sure we can figure out a way to discuss whatever is on your mind. I do my best not to put up personal details here, but if I need to write something, I am as careful as possible to not make your life public knowledge. I don't have everything about myself out here, mostly because I am insecure and worried about parts of my life. I also don't want people trying to look me up have an easier time of things than they may already.

I think is enough for tonight, so I am going to wrap this up. Morning is coming to my part of the world soon enough, and I probably need my sleep. I hope you are all doing well in whatever you have chosen to do, and may God bless you in your life.


Sincerely,
Tyler

March 1, 2014-March 2, 2014

Watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower". Boy gets the girl despite insanity and being an Observer. I remember writing about them once. How they just sit, watch. Don't feel. This boy, Charlie, felt. I do. At least I think I do. We see others in pain and want to heal it, Curtis is like that. We want to help, fix. It might be a guy thing but I don't know. 

Charlie was molested by his aunt, and was always having flashbacks and hallucinations and visions. I'm sorry.

Am I insane? Can I tell? I feel sad, lost. Even when found and felt. I have someone now, but I don't know about her. I don't know if I can give her what she needs, deserves and wants. People say I'm a "good catch". How. 

I don't cry. I try so hard to not. I don't find it weak in a you are a wimp way. I find it weak in I failed way. 

Ben doesn't believe in demons. Says they are representations of something, a metaphor. I think they're real. A spiritual battle is not just overcoming a part of your being. There is someone behind that battle. If there isn't, why is it a battle? Will is not a contest or a struggle. It is existence. If you want to control something, then you create it with limits. If you don't like the limits it used to have, to eliminate it and make a new thing, a new whole. No battle. Just gone and something else is made.

I'm lost. I think. Can't tell. I never know what found is like so I must. 

Why did I invest so much in her. So hard to get back. 

I wish I could say that the sickness, cold, was why. But I have these thoughts other times. Not always. Like I concede, mostly I am good. I help, talk, laugh. But I hurt, no, harm. So hard to give right emphasis. Hurt is the word, in the aspects, but think I mean me. Them. 

Life feels wrong. I miss something. Sometimes I think I find it but I can't. A dream. Lost. Faces looking at me from atop the piano here at home. Some I know. But I don't. 

So many friends finding one. That closeness, friend. I wish. I could dedicate myself to making it, but I can't find the spark again. Lost it. Was I not patient enough? Did I forgive her? Did I do it right, Dad? I can't hear you, though I try. I reach through the noise and reach. But I can't seem to find You. 

I don't cry. Or dream. I try. So hard. I feel. I think? 

I'm sorry. To you. Her. Them. I have failed you so many times, have left far to much within hidden and not said it and I can't go back now. I'll hurt you. I can't end it though. I can't. 

Faith Hope and Love. I don't understand the first and have nothing on the last but Hope hurts. I have it, always and He won't let me die. They say it gets better. I think Observers have it better. Like I wrote in English. They sit, read, write. See. Quiet alone free. Sad. I am sad. I can't stop. I wish I knew how or could grow and leave the dark. Is the light absence of dark or the dark absence of light? Hell God or not? 

s

Being Human and Being a Friend

I was reading an article the other day, about how a woman was giving advice on marriage and what people don't tell you about what happens after the honeymoon. She wrote that the media and society have us all dreaming of a perfect world where every moment is filled with powerful emotions for our partner and how we love them, physically and mentally too, every day. They walk through the door and no matter what happened that day, they want to make such passionate love to you that the heavens explode and hell reforms and surrenders to the attraction between you. You are never mad with them, your children are perfect and strong and healthy, and the universe turns with your family and friends at the centre as all creation works to make you happy.

What a load of garbage.

Seriously, talk to any couple that has been together more than 2 years. Even partners that divorced will have days where they had passion and love, and couples that have been married for 30 or more years will say they had days when they didn't want to talk to their husband or wife, they weren't interested in sex, or being around them. They went to work, came home and argued and went to bed angry. It happens, we are human. Why would someone think that finding someone that will be their best friend and partner means that you won't argue occasionally, or even ten times a week? Arguments happen, and while there are times that it sucks, I've found that they can help clear the air. Not wanting to hurt someone you care about means you might suppress your irritation and anger, hide all the times they did something you disapproved of...that all builds up. Gathered emotion like that does not simply go away, it either blackens your mind or explodes out. Most often you get a combination of both, and if you have ever seen or been in one of those fights, you know that World War Three cannot match the fury of love turned to hate.

I know some people who don't want to get into a relationship because they are afraid of being hurt. I don't blame them. Committing to a relationship means opening up to someone, letting them into your life, and they will find something that has hurt you in the past or that you care about. Being friends with someone, much less being someone's partner, means that you are letting them see things that can hurt you. The trouble with love is that you are giving them ammunition and weapons to hurt you, and trusting them, asking them to not use them. This is true for lovers, couples, men and women, friends and everything in between. I can't think of a way around it.


Now, here is the part where I open up to you, dear reader. This is where I connect the thoughts and ideas written above to my own life and use myself as an example.

I have several friends who travel, or live in other parts of the world or country. I try to stay in touch using technology, talking with them via email, text or Facebook conversations, but when they are in town, nothing beats spending time with them in person. It's harder to do, because you can't just walk away from the conversation and come back a few days later and pick it up again, but you get a better connection. So when they are in town I try to find some time to spend with them, as much as I can.

A friend of mine came back to town one month. Let's call this guy L. I have known L for a while now and things sometimes get rough and we don't talk for a while. We've always forgiven each other after a time and tried to work things out. After doing this off and on throughout the years though, I'm getting tired of repeating history. Do you know the saying, "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it"? Well, I'm hoping to learn something this time round, because having the same headache is irritating and I am getting tired of going no-where with this. I tend to worry a lot, often about silly or small things that most people would gloss over or forget about. Most of the time, it turns out I was panicking over nothing and that the problem I imagined was never actually there, it only existed in my mind. I still manage to keep this habit up though. Getting back on topic, I spent an afternoon with L, just hanging out, relaxing and talking about random things that came to mind. Work, the weather, other friends we hadn't heard from in a while, that sort of thing. We crashed at L's place for a bit, grabbing food and playing some games before I left and went home. In keeping with my paranoia that I've done something wrong, shortly after I left I was certain I'd pissed L off and wouldn't hear from them again for a long time. That and L had said things at various points that irritated me, so I wasn't sure I wanted to talk with L. Now here I am, irritated and at the same time worried that something didn't go right, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I only see my friend L when they're in town, and the rest of the time they are off on some adventure elsewhere, I imagine. So while I want to talk to them and try to figure things out, at the same time I don't want to raise the issue when they are here because I don't want to make things worse.

I could simply be crazy, but it feels like a real problem to me. I don't want to talk things over online because if they don't want to have the conversation for whatever reason, they will just sign off and ignore me, which doesn't solve anything as far as I can see. Should I just try and sort things out and forgive L before I next see them? Should I press the issue and risk our friendship so that I can clear the air, or at least know I didn't make a mess of things again?

I guess this is one of the challenges in life. As a friend I accept them for who they are, and I know we won't always get along. As a human being I know that I will get mad at them, but I don't want to be mad forever. Hating someone for long periods of time does strange things to your mind, and I'd like to no go through that again. Hopefully I will have this figured out at some point in my life, because L isn't the only one I've had this issue with, L just happens to be my best friend, and so this particular problem irritates me more.