I was reading an article the other day, about how a woman was giving advice on marriage and what people don't tell you about what happens after the honeymoon. She wrote that the media and society have us all dreaming of a perfect world where every moment is filled with powerful emotions for our partner and how we love them, physically and mentally too, every day. They walk through the door and no matter what happened that day, they want to make such passionate love to you that the heavens explode and hell reforms and surrenders to the attraction between you. You are never mad with them, your children are perfect and strong and healthy, and the universe turns with your family and friends at the centre as all creation works to make you happy.
What a load of garbage.
Seriously, talk to any couple that has been together more than 2 years. Even partners that divorced will have days where they had passion and love, and couples that have been married for 30 or more years will say they had days when they didn't want to talk to their husband or wife, they weren't interested in sex, or being around them. They went to work, came home and argued and went to bed angry. It happens, we are human. Why would someone think that finding someone that will be their best friend and partner means that you won't argue occasionally, or even ten times a week? Arguments happen, and while there are times that it sucks, I've found that they can help clear the air. Not wanting to hurt someone you care about means you might suppress your irritation and anger, hide all the times they did something you disapproved of...that all builds up. Gathered emotion like that does not simply go away, it either blackens your mind or explodes out. Most often you get a combination of both, and if you have ever seen or been in one of those fights, you know that World War Three cannot match the fury of love turned to hate.
I know some people who don't want to get into a relationship because they are afraid of being hurt. I don't blame them. Committing to a relationship means opening up to someone, letting them into your life, and they will find something that has hurt you in the past or that you care about. Being friends with someone, much less being someone's partner, means that you are letting them see things that can hurt you. The trouble with love is that you are giving them ammunition and weapons to hurt you, and trusting them, asking them to not use them. This is true for lovers, couples, men and women, friends and everything in between. I can't think of a way around it.
Now, here is the part where I open up to you, dear reader. This is where I connect the thoughts and ideas written above to my own life and use myself as an example.
I have several friends who travel, or live in other parts of the world or country. I try to stay in touch using technology, talking with them via email, text or Facebook conversations, but when they are in town, nothing beats spending time with them in person. It's harder to do, because you can't just walk away from the conversation and come back a few days later and pick it up again, but you get a better connection. So when they are in town I try to find some time to spend with them, as much as I can.
A friend of mine came back to town one month. Let's call this guy L. I have known L for a while now and things sometimes get rough and we don't talk for a while. We've always forgiven each other after a time and tried to work things out. After doing this off and on throughout the years though, I'm getting tired of repeating history. Do you know the saying, "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it"? Well, I'm hoping to learn something this time round, because having the same headache is irritating and I am getting tired of going no-where with this. I tend to worry a lot, often about silly or small things that most people would gloss over or forget about. Most of the time, it turns out I was panicking over nothing and that the problem I imagined was never actually there, it only existed in my mind. I still manage to keep this habit up though. Getting back on topic, I spent an afternoon with L, just hanging out, relaxing and talking about random things that came to mind. Work, the weather, other friends we hadn't heard from in a while, that sort of thing. We crashed at L's place for a bit, grabbing food and playing some games before I left and went home. In keeping with my paranoia that I've done something wrong, shortly after I left I was certain I'd pissed L off and wouldn't hear from them again for a long time. That and L had said things at various points that irritated me, so I wasn't sure I wanted to talk with L. Now here I am, irritated and at the same time worried that something didn't go right, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I only see my friend L when they're in town, and the rest of the time they are off on some adventure elsewhere, I imagine. So while I want to talk to them and try to figure things out, at the same time I don't want to raise the issue when they are here because I don't want to make things worse.
I could simply be crazy, but it feels like a real problem to me. I don't want to talk things over online because if they don't want to have the conversation for whatever reason, they will just sign off and ignore me, which doesn't solve anything as far as I can see. Should I just try and sort things out and forgive L before I next see them? Should I press the issue and risk our friendship so that I can clear the air, or at least know I didn't make a mess of things again?
I guess this is one of the challenges in life. As a friend I accept them for who they are, and I know we won't always get along. As a human being I know that I will get mad at them, but I don't want to be mad forever. Hating someone for long periods of time does strange things to your mind, and I'd like to no go through that again. Hopefully I will have this figured out at some point in my life, because L isn't the only one I've had this issue with, L just happens to be my best friend, and so this particular problem irritates me more.
