Have you ever hurt someone, to the point they leave, and then you realize how much you miss them? I had someone I was close to, could talk to them about anything and everything. Sometimes it was a little awkward and we misunderstood each other, but we could still talk about it. Over the...six or so years that I knew them, we have fought, stopped talking, and befriended each other again and again. And then one day, it stopped. I don't remember what I did or said, but I can tell you I feel empty. 

Much as I wish I could simply skip to my own beat and carry on, I am constantly reminded of how much having their friendship meant to me. I really wish I could have been more understanding of their choices. I would give everything to feel one of your hugs again, because even though it felt like you were going to break my ribs, I always felt solidly there and present and home. I know I can be a little vaporous and flighty, and I am not always the friend I should be, but out of all the people I have met over the years, this one person made it all worthwhile. 

I sent them a message and I hope they respond. I know I don't deserve it, but I will beg for forgiveness and travel to wherever you are if that is what it takes.  

I have made choices I regret before, but this trumps everything. I am sorry for everything I failed to do for you. 

Tyler

Hi, my name is...

I did a bit of an introduction with my last post, and I having thought on it some more, I'm going to be a bit more honest.

My name is Tyler, I'm the eldest son of four siblings. Born and raised by a heterosexual couple, brought up in the Christian Reformed church, and I have lived in the city about 6 years of my life, with the remainder spent in the country of Canada. I was home schooled four years, the rest has been all public school. I played a little soccer (football if you are outside of North America) when I was young, and sang in a school choir. I competed in swimming and judo for a couple years before and during high school. I did a little acting while in high school, but mostly I was part of the stage crew. Most of my work experience has been in construction, and I enjoy it a good deal. I played the viola for a while, but it has sat unused for about three years now. I didn't feel I had much natural talent for it, and so I always felt uncomfortable playing around people. I know practice might have made a difference, but I only really enjoyed it when playing with others, and being uncomfortable performing in public, I'm in quite the pickle. Ever since I got a copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit for my....10th or 12th birthday, I have enjoyed reading books, primarily fantasy novels. Brian Jacques, Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, David Eddings, R.A. Salvatore, Neil Gaiman, Jonathan Stroud, just to name a few authors whose work I enjoy.

Oh, did I mention I play Dungeons & Dragons? Yeah, my siblings, dad and I picked that up about three or four years back. I've played 4th, 3.5, Pathfinder and I am starting 5th edition. I also take part in medieval festivals, and I've been doing acting and stage fighting at those for seven years now. I also LARP, and am currently on the story team, or Plot team, for the LARP I go to. I help write the story for the characters who play the game. I guess I should mention I also play video games. I doubt it will be a surprise by now if I say that I favour fantasy games as well. Skyrim, Heroes of Might and Magic...the Assassin's Creed line was also fun to play.

I play video games, table-top games, roleplaying games, read, write and work. I do stage combat, judo, and try to plan something for the future. Everyone keeps telling me that I have time, I am still young. Well, that advantage seems to fade quickly. I'm in my early twenties, but there are some in their thirties who are slowing down and complaining. I am willing to invest my time, but I have trouble seeing their point, it doesn't feel like I have a lot of time. I mentioned I don't always feel sane, and that thought was behind the name of this blog. I often don't notice the passage of time in a significant way. If I am not checking the date every day or two, I stop noticing that a week has gone by, or that a holiday or event is approaching. My mind often feels older than I am, which is odd, since I don't feel I have experienced anything that would age me in such a way. I can tell you though, that despite all my mental oddities and quirks, I have no alternate personalities.

Welcome!

Well, it seems I have some spare time. Don't know how long it will last, so let's make use of what we have, shall we?

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tyler, and I am the eldest son in my family. I started this blog for a school course a while back, and then stopped writing for a while. Part of that was because I use this site as a sort of public diary, and too many people who knew me were reading it, so I wasn't able to get everything out that I'd like. I think enough time has gone by that I'm a bit safer in that regard, don't you? We'll see.

I use this blog, like I said, as a form of public diary. Some days I'm a little out of whack and I need to jot this stuff down, so this is where I do it. Sometimes it helps me focus, other times I just like knowing that someone might stumble across this and read it. It's nice to know that you aren't alone, and I draw some small comfort from knowing that someone has read this, and maybe they even relate somehow. I don't know what the chances of that are, though I would guess they are small. Whether they are or not, I'm still writing.

If you browse through my previous posts, you will see most of what I wrote was poems and stories at first, shifting into opinion pieces and rants and ramblings, and then just pure messy chaos. In a way, this blog is, I guess, a reflection of my mind. There are many days when I question if I am sane or not, because I generally think there is something wrong with me. Some of it is a gut feeling, however a goodly portion of it comes from observations of myself I have made. I just feel like I am...off. A differently shaped gear in a machine. I lock into place and mesh on occasion, but mostly I just feel like I'm slipping and disconnecting. Now, I've heard slipping gears grate before, and I can tell you that living that sound is no more comfortable that having it assault your ears.

I do edit some of my work, but most of what I post is as written. I prefer being honest, though there is some joy to be found in the occasional subterfuge. I will proofread for spelling errors, but other than that, what you are reading is straight from my head, through my keyboard and onto the screen. No organizing, no eliminating content. My choice to be honest is one reason for this, the other being that I find writing that way helps you eventually organize your mind, which is I considered doing these posts again. They say that reading books - and by books I mean paper and ink, not eBooks - helps focus your mind into linear thought processes, which leads to more organized, rational and logical thinking. I read fairly often, but if I get distracted, the benefit comes much more slowly. So I use writing to drive that desired focus home. Hopefully I will also get a balanced sense of workload from doing this too.

For the next while, I'm probably going to post a bunch of stuff. Brief thoughts, bits about me, and other things that are bouncing around in my head. What I hope to do is then level out and post things regularly, if a bit sparsely. The goal is to not publish a pile of posts and then drop it all again. That sorta irks me. If you find something you like, feel free to read it, I put it up there for you to see. If you have questions, or want to talk or say something, comment and let me know. I'm sure we can figure out a way to discuss whatever is on your mind. I do my best not to put up personal details here, but if I need to write something, I am as careful as possible to not make your life public knowledge. I don't have everything about myself out here, mostly because I am insecure and worried about parts of my life. I also don't want people trying to look me up have an easier time of things than they may already.

I think is enough for tonight, so I am going to wrap this up. Morning is coming to my part of the world soon enough, and I probably need my sleep. I hope you are all doing well in whatever you have chosen to do, and may God bless you in your life.


Sincerely,
Tyler

March 1, 2014-March 2, 2014

Watched a movie called "The Perks of being a Wallflower". Boy gets the girl despite insanity and being an Observer. I remember writing about them once. How they just sit, watch. Don't feel. This boy, Charlie, felt. I do. At least I think I do. We see others in pain and want to heal it, Curtis is like that. We want to help, fix. It might be a guy thing but I don't know. 

Charlie was molested by his aunt, and was always having flashbacks and hallucinations and visions. I'm sorry.

Am I insane? Can I tell? I feel sad, lost. Even when found and felt. I have someone now, but I don't know about her. I don't know if I can give her what she needs, deserves and wants. People say I'm a "good catch". How. 

I don't cry. I try so hard to not. I don't find it weak in a you are a wimp way. I find it weak in I failed way. 

Ben doesn't believe in demons. Says they are representations of something, a metaphor. I think they're real. A spiritual battle is not just overcoming a part of your being. There is someone behind that battle. If there isn't, why is it a battle? Will is not a contest or a struggle. It is existence. If you want to control something, then you create it with limits. If you don't like the limits it used to have, to eliminate it and make a new thing, a new whole. No battle. Just gone and something else is made.

I'm lost. I think. Can't tell. I never know what found is like so I must. 

Why did I invest so much in her. So hard to get back. 

I wish I could say that the sickness, cold, was why. But I have these thoughts other times. Not always. Like I concede, mostly I am good. I help, talk, laugh. But I hurt, no, harm. So hard to give right emphasis. Hurt is the word, in the aspects, but think I mean me. Them. 

Life feels wrong. I miss something. Sometimes I think I find it but I can't. A dream. Lost. Faces looking at me from atop the piano here at home. Some I know. But I don't. 

So many friends finding one. That closeness, friend. I wish. I could dedicate myself to making it, but I can't find the spark again. Lost it. Was I not patient enough? Did I forgive her? Did I do it right, Dad? I can't hear you, though I try. I reach through the noise and reach. But I can't seem to find You. 

I don't cry. Or dream. I try. So hard. I feel. I think? 

I'm sorry. To you. Her. Them. I have failed you so many times, have left far to much within hidden and not said it and I can't go back now. I'll hurt you. I can't end it though. I can't. 

Faith Hope and Love. I don't understand the first and have nothing on the last but Hope hurts. I have it, always and He won't let me die. They say it gets better. I think Observers have it better. Like I wrote in English. They sit, read, write. See. Quiet alone free. Sad. I am sad. I can't stop. I wish I knew how or could grow and leave the dark. Is the light absence of dark or the dark absence of light? Hell God or not? 

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