By these signs you will know me...Forgive and Forget. (My Fury Remains)

I have written on forgiveness before. Why, I don't know. It is not a difficult topic, not unusual or special in any way. If I wanted a challenge, I would write on love, honour, glory.

Love is a concept that, I think, the world has lost. We don't know it anymore. How many words are there in the English language that refer to love? Only  the word 'love' itself. Other languages have several words and ideas that can be translated as love, all describing a different aspect of it. Brotherly love, friendly love, sexual love (also known as lust), and then that special love. That idea, that energy that we cannot define or explain. It makes two separate people one, they leave their lives and become a new whole, a new form of life, a different way of living. 

Chivalry is supposedly a dead thing of the past. From an age where men were supposed to treat women fairly and kindly, and each other with respect, all to uphold the honour of all involved. A community's honour, that of the family, the lord you served, your god, your self. Honour was a measure of respect and quality and skill, but yet it spoke of something that was more than that. One could be the least skilled fighter on the field, but yet respect would be given due to the high honour you held. Those above you could give you honour, praise and gifts, which were signs of your own honour and increased the reputation for honour of your family, land, lord.

Of the three deep terms I listed, glory is perhaps the oddest one, only surpassed in the difficulty of definition by love. Glory comes from victory and honour, but glory and victory can come in defeat. Leonidas and the three hundred Spartans who followed him all died. Yet they have not been ridiculed by history, they were not dishonoured and it was not said that they were defeated. Their victory was in delaying the advance of a hostile army, their glory in slaying so many before simply giving up the fight. In the movie, 300, you see that they are flanked and are forced to make a last-ditch effort to slow the Persians. They could have retreated. Fallen back and given ground in order to continue the fight for as long as possible, but instead they circled up and then allowed themselves to be shot down. They were not defeated, they did not lose glory or honour in dying like this because they chose it. Their enemies didn't beat them, they took the bait and did as the Spartans wanted them to do.


In forgiveness, there is love, honour and glory. The definition of forgiveness varies slightly, but according to the Oxford Dictionary of English, to forgive someone is to let go of your anger towards them. Anger is a powerful emotion, according to most people it is only trumped by love. For many people, letting go of it is not easy. Especially if the reason behind the anger is connected closely to ourselves. It is hard to not be angry at someone who harmed a family member. To forgive them, we have to let go of that anger and be able to say that we do not hate them any longer. When you forgive someone, you are recognizing a love for them. You are saying that they mean something to you, they are a person, not an object to be eliminated in revenge or vengeance. You gain honour in doing this, because you are showing yourself to be strong-willed and in control of your emotions and yourself. It shows discipline and confidence, that you can let go of something and move on with your life. The glory doesn't always show in an obvious way. Sometimes the person you forgave ends up taking your forgiveness and using as a way to better themselves, and in doing so brings glory to both of you.

Forgiveness is not easy. What is harder is to forget. And right now, these two things are almost beyond me. A friend of mine told me to forget them. And for the past year or two I have tried. Erasing memories and teaching myself to cut emotions away from what memories remain. If I saw something and it reminded me of a time I had spent with them...stop feeling happiness and joy at the memory. Make it empty and try to forget it happened. When I recall their face, or see someone who reminds me of them, or hear someone speak their name, blast all feeling away. Burn it and destroy it and bury the remains as deep as they will go. Do this enough, and you will start to feel a hollowness. You will start damaging other memories very quickly, and your moods will become dulled and less poignant. A shadow hangs over you as you start to disconnect from everything that you feel.

Except anger. The pain of the emptiness and the sorrow of losing so much will be the kindling for a fire, a furious blaze that will always glow within you. Your temper will snap easier, you will have a harder time listening to others as you become impatient, restless. I have always been a bit of a wanderer, prone to get up and go out with a simple urge to walk and wander as I look about, or simply travel through this world. Now though, I find the urge coming, but there is no release from the feeling, the need to move and walk and travel away from everything. No reprieve, no rest. Trying to erase your own memory is a destructive process, and I am finding it is leaving me with less and less will to keep walking. There is no confrontation between us, if there was, I might resolve the problem between us, or I will fight and use the heat of my fury to empower myself and to find new drive and strength. Instead, the flames die down, they simmer and slowly reduce themselves to glowing coals that gradually lose their heat. I have heard that victims of cancer and wasting diseases die slowly, feeling themselves draining away. I wonder if this is what it feels like.


If someone wrongs you, forgive them. Forget the incident. But no matter what anyone tells you, do not try to forget a friend. It does not work. You will hurt yourself and others around you by trying it. I have looked at death before and realized I have no fear of it. It does not bother me. What always bothered me was not being there for those who would miss me. My family, my friends who might think of me and remember I am no longer there, and then they might face that blank face of despair and sorrow in realizing that I am well and truly gone. I cannot hold them, or speak to them words of comfort. I would not be able to do any of those things. If anything, I would have to watch as some might lose themselves and either cross over to join me, or would simply faded away, much like I feel myself doing now.

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits."