Am I living? Part 2

So, my last post under this title was, I think, more about how I might be limiting myself. This time, I'm probably going to muse and ramble about how I'm not sure what I am living right now.


So, I was listening to "I've Seen a Little" by Alan Doyle, and a friend of mine recommended the Small Town Pistols to listen to as well. Found a song of theirs, "Living on the Outside". I should probably explain that I think a little oddly. I tend to be paranoid and suspicious, though some days I don't bother, yet that kind of thinking has gotten me into the habit of looking for patterns. My brain does it in really odd ways, such as pairing the sides on a stop sign to each other, as well as those on the post. I'll take notice when start wishing for a good book to read, and then shortly after that I hear about this really good book that I would probably enjoy, or I will ask the weather to let up for a little bit because I'm restless too and I just want to walk some energy off and talk to the girl I'm in to, and the weather listens.

So when I start listening to songs and I realize I'm skipping some and staying on others, I begin to look for comparisons and connections. I know that I'm often wrong, and that things might just happen in patterns because I am imagining that they are there, but there is no real co-relation.

Let's see if I can find the words to describe the point I am trying to make. After wondering if I am limiting myself and preventing myself from living, I have to ask myself, "Am I living?" Is there something I'm missing? Do I know what I would be doing if I was living? I know I'm alive, because I don't think this is what death will be like. Some people say to be living you have to break the rules, get moving, run away from what you know and see how it goes. I don't know if that's how it goes, because everyone who goes away ends up living just fine when they get home, seeing everything in a new way. Some people say "you don't know what you have until it is gone", but is that how it has to be? Are we incapable of changing our eyes without changing our address? That's ridiculous. I know people who wake up every day without ever leaving the same plot of land, and yet they can see something new in the world around them each day. So why this big hubbub about having to get away and get a new perspective? It's silly.

I've often thought about travelling, but it's not like I could just pack up and go, right? I mean sure, I could. But without a plan or at least a general idea, I might as well just buy a ticket and jump on the plane with nothing but the clothes on my back and then jump out at some random location. Maybe I could get by without money, but seeing as I live in Northern North America, it would be tricky to get home if I happened to jump out over Europe. It's not like someone would just talk to me, oh and they just happen to speak English, and then hand me a plane ticket and wish me a safe flight. I will admit, I would love to do something like that, but I would like to know I will come home again.

I haven't really travelled much. From my home near Waterloo, I have gone north into Haliburton County, and south to the border with the States, Niagara Falls. I've been to Europe, through Germany with it's green slopes, France and all it's people. Passed through Belgium, stayed a while in the Netherlands and saw the dikes. And yet, I'm still not sure if I'm living. I've seen more than some, and less than others, and I know I want to see more. I haven't seen much of my own country, and Canada is full of things to see, it's huge!! And I still want to see Europe and Australia -though what with all the critters there, I will be just a touch worried-, I think it would be something to go to Asia, Russian, Africa, South America...there is so much world, and I want to see it all. and I still don't know if I'm living.

Am I missing something? It can't be the travel that let's you see things anew. The experience then? Does that make the difference? The problem with that line of thought is that the people who will tell you it's the experience have all gone through different paths and opposite roads, so you are back where you started.

So maybe I just need to patient. So then why am I being told that boldness is an attractive quality?